i know i said in my previous post that i should go outside and whatever, i've not been doing that. well i have but not really, i've been obsessing over getting shit done for real, and it's been eating at me slowly i feel. i hate making a post when i'm not in a good mood, but the truth is i feel like this almost anytime i sit down to try and get an illustration done and i truly am starting to hate it, and hating myself for it. everything outside of the online world is good, great even. work is going great, i'm not struggling in school, i'm actually talking to people and i overall just feel as happy as ever, i truly feel at the top of my game right now, i genuinely love living, i like challenging myself and learning and showing people i'm competent and i don't know, right now everything is just really clicking, i feel like i'm really learning where my strenghts lie this year and also what i'm really bad at, and i want to improve badly, in some ways i am, but not in every aspect. i am unable to have fun making art. i don't know what happened, i know i said it last post too, but it really is kind of concerning to me; i can't get anything done. i know it's a thing that happens with artists but i've never struggled this badly with this ever, it's like i've run out of ideas. i can think of stuff to draw, sure, but the desire is not there. that's what everything i've made relied on, i want to draw that idea. doodling and sketching is fine, but i can't sit down to finish an illustration, i get too stressed. nothing is good enough now. it's really bizarre because i feel like i've been improving quite a bit these past few months but for some reason it just doesn't come together for me. i don't feel anything positive, everything feels wrong. and some days it's like i've gone backwards, not dynamic enough, need cleaner lines, boring color palette, no emotions, i don't get it. i feel like i'm missing something and that it's really obvious, surely i need a breather, but it's way way way easier said than done. drawing is all i really *do*, if that makes sense, all of my skills revolve around creating in some shape or form, and it's not something i can really turn off or stop thinking about, it's a huge part of my every day life. i have sketchbooks everywhere, and even then my brain is always thinking up something when it can. i've been enjoying not having time to think about my stories and designs recently, i really like being busy sometimes because it means all the noise gets turned off for the majority of my day. i'm not the most organized person and even my thoughts get messy, it gets annoying and overwhelming to the point i get really frustrated and can't function properly. i really have been trying, maybe too hard. i'm out of ideas. it's hard to discern what i need and want, i just know something isn't right. i'm really sleepy too so this aint a good time to think haha.... i think i need to concentrate more but i'm not sure anymore. i'm lacking direction, i am doing everything but not really anything either and maybe that's what's been killing me. i've been planning to get out a short animation this whole year pretty much so maybe i'll officially start production on it soon and only do that. i legit want to make this too so it'll probably be easier for me. i'm not taking a break, it's not time yet, but i'm not gonna destroy myself because of this so don't worry, i'll try to work smart. i'll see you soon, thanks for reading this